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Chris Clark

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Clark in action
Clark's tactical advisor
Actually Clark
Dr Hans Zarkov

Zarkov, you say?

Chris Clark or more commonly Dickhead is a member of the Mario Kart community. Hailing from Watford, UK, he specialises (loosely speaking) in SMK. Not that he much cares, he was once ranked as high as #28 on PAL making him the UKs #3 SMK'er for a shortwhile. Clark works as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport, which means whenever youre travelling from there, he is poking around your luggage looking for smelly underwear he can sell to his contacts in Japan.

Clark/Zarkov within the community

Clark joined the Mario Kart Message Board in July 2004 initially as a means to find lurid pictures of fellow karters, but was surprised to find he actually liked posting on there. Clark built a reputation as a fine poster with alot of interesting infomation to bestow. Unfortunatley, this reputation was only shared by a select few, and everyone else just thought he was a bit weird. He has amassed over 6000+ posts, most consisting of detailed instructions of how to catch squirrells. Clark is known for his x000th Post Extravaganzas, in which he posts lots of hardcore porn everytime he hits another 1000 posts. Though these are swiftly dealt with by the Nazi like moderators. Amazingly, Clark was once a mod on the MB but relinquished his duties to Joe Bernier, due to Clarks commitments to cure Penev of his terrible affliction of being 'a bit Australian.' (No known cure has yet been found) Nowdays Clark is still an active poster on the MB, and can also be found idling in the #mariokart IRC room where he and Honko like to talk about men for hours.

nice wr

Clark found the SMK players site in 2003. He climbed the ranks like a stoned Spiderman. Slowly. He reached his peak of #28 on PAL sometime in 2007 (guess), and has been largely inactive on time trials since. Since then, most of Clarks SMK activity has come on the GP150 site where he has a few top 10 times. Although relativly retired on SMK, Clark has been an active member of the social SMK scene (lol) since 2006, going to many meets with Team UK, and being one of the first to meet the Dutch SMK'ers when he and Matt McCarthy went to Amsterdam to smo....errrr play video games. Clark attended the CDM 2009 in France, where he did woefully bad in the overall competition. Due in part to the copius amount of (free) beer he inbibed making him largely useless when it came to actually competing. He was also distracted by Duff in a dress as it gave him a boner. Clark also attended the CDM 2011 in France. He did surprisingly well finishing 15th overall. While he couldnt blame not finishing higher on a cross-dressing Duff, he could blame it on the fact Duff demanded he film every one of his outdoor showers, which gave Clark a boner. Most recently he also attended the CDM 2012. The boner inducing event of this year was Team Horse winning a medal.

TT is for noobs

Clark is an integral part of the newly formed SNESOT community. A place where all SNES fans can come and compete in online tournaments using zsnes. Clark plays in the many SMK, Micro Machines 2, and Tetris tournaments. All with varying degrees of success.

Other Stuff

When Clark isn't indulging in a bit of bug chasing, he likes to play alot of old, or old looking, PC games. Namely Ultima Online, and Minecraft. He always gets ganked in UO, and always builds epic castles in MC. He also is a big fan of Watford FC, whom he has supported since being a boy. Lastly, his most fond love is of watching Beyonce videos on youtube just so he 'can learn the moves'. He was once briefly the World Champion of Hannah Montana The Movie The Game, but had his title taken off of him by William Lacey.

Famous Quotes

<zarkov> nice wr


Many more famous Zarkov quotes can be found at Jorg Butt


  • Clarks current online nick, Zarkov, is a reference to the crazy scientist from Flash Gordon. Dr Hans Zarkov.
  • Clarks animated cannon avatar on the MB is a throwback to his original username , cannonclark.
  • He has held 1 UK record in SMK, MC2 flap, which was beaten the day after by Sami.
  • Clark is 29.
  • Slept in Karel van Duijvenbodens sisters bed. (100% true)
  • Took the hubcaps off his car to make it look 'Robocop'.
  • Created the legendary Clarkbot for the #mariokart irc channel.
  • Won the Oskart for 'Most Consistently Funny Poster'.
  • Thinks PO is a better commanding lord than Penev.
  • Finished 3rd in the 2k10 Kart Contest.
  • Finished 3rd in the 2k14 Kart Contest.
  • Finished 3rd overall in the 2010 UK SMK Championship.
  • Likes finishing 3rd.
  • Is an admin on A website dedicated to Online SNES play via emulators.
  • Is a huge dickhead, according to several "popular" mods.
  • Won the 2012 Euro prediction pool.
  • Hosted the 2k12 Karter Contest

External Links

The 2012 Karter Contest
Round 1 Groups | Round 2+ Bracket | Matchups & Results

(BOLD indicates contest winner)

(1) Enchanted Woods Creatures
(2) cool not
(3) Wop Wop Wop
(4) nice wr
(5) Raphael Nadal Super Fans
(6) I <3 Shemales
(7) 100% Hetrosexual
(8) Move It Move It

Finn | Duff | Eoj | Aron
Thingy | Cole | RVZ | Firewaster
Roy | MVT | G-Danzee | Mihawk
Zarkov | Chraizy | NMeade | nstins
Etch | Neo | Utter | Brutus
Sword | sn1989 | TB1 | Math
Pierre | Pobre | MrL | Genesis
KoopZ | ALAK | LeeBoon | Oneshot

Honko | Shock | Frigz | NikeXTC
Zwiebel | BPA | padz | Happy
Spril | Sully | Make That Jump | ShitoRyo
KVD | Web | Kouider | Abel
Mick | Vince | Mario86 | Kmacc
Boom3r | TJazz | TvL | Meaks
MJ | Tuomas | Lafungo | Fank
Jones | Booth | Camster | Shaun

more like Group J (9)
Expert C in girls (10)
Boobs & Rapping (11)
Cheaters R Us (12)
Pokerstars (13)
Cleverdudes + Meaks (14)
A Randomly Expressed Group (15)
40+ (16)